That time where I quote Grey's Anatomy

I have been meaning to write a post so many times over break but I never seem to be able to sit down and write it when all the thoughts are in my head. Naturally by the time I do have time to sit down and write everything has changed completely, my views and feelings on the subject have been completely turned upside down.

Insert Grey's quote here

>You didn't love her! You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love!<

yea that, anyways, back to me:

To be honest they're not even settled, I don't even know what I feel or what I should feel or who I should believe or what to do. Is it really better to know things? Even if it turns out to be different than what you wanted? How could that possibly be worse than flip-flopping between knowing and not knowing?

I always think I know how I should feel, how to protect myself, who I can trust but it always seems like something comes into question. I go through scenario after scenario in my head, and given what I know when I finally settle on the one that is most likely, something blows up in my face. Something I never saw something, something completely ridiculous.

In short as usual someone lied and someone screwed with me and I have no idea which side to believe.

How can I become a kinder, more trusting person when I always feel like I need to look out for the next friend who will destroy me? Why is there always someone making me feel that I shouldn't trust anyone?

Well I guess I'll just have to smile and pretend it doesn't bother me, after all nothing is different than it was 3 days ago or 3 weeks ago.

The funny thing is, what I really wanted to write about before (it feel like forever ago) is that no matter what has happened, I've come out of this with a better appreciation for myself. Something I always kind of lacked before. I know I'm a good person, I care about other people, I want everyone's lives to be better, and maybe I'm not pretty or nice but I'd be good to you, any of you, all of you. So if you want to fuck with me, that's fine but just know you'll never meet another person who has your back the way I would.

Oh yea and here's another Grey's Quote:

I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

So yup there it is, I'm gonna be alright but I fucking bet you, someone is going to miss me.