Wow

I haven't written a blog post in over a year and a half. If I were to round up it would be two years. That is bananas! I can't believe how long it's been!

I also can't believe how much I've changed and my life has changed. I honestly can't even remember how I was feeling back then and to be honest I'm pretty sure that looking back most of the things I was upset about seem silly and irrelevant now.

Hopefully this will happen again. Hopefully 2 years from now I will sit here and think about how the problems I had in September of 2013 were just so ridiculous and I can't believe I was so worried about such trivial things.

I'm going to be honest right now, I'm writing from the heart and I'm not going to go back and edit this so it might be really annoying.

For the past 2 weeks I have been in a rough patch. I've felt alone, hurt, forgotten, and conflicted. I've questioned every decision I've made and I've questioned every step forward I've taken. I'm struggling. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about anything right now and all I can do is look forward and hope for the best. Not exactly the easiest thing for me unfortunately.
I'm constantly exhausted and even though I've thrown myself into several things I feel like I haven't accomplished much of anything. I feel discouraged in every aspect of my life. I feel defeated and I feel like I don't know what to do next.

I'm trying to change that. Unfortunately I'm not exactly sure how. I'm working on my attitude and I've told several people that in essence from now on I will be bright and shiny. To be honest I feel a little bit better. I'm trying to let go of the things that have been bothering me but those thoughts still linger. The underlying fear that lives within me is still there. Honestly I have no idea where I'm going with this, like I said I'm kind of just feeling my way through it at the moment.
I really wasn't thinking about writing things that other people could read because for the past 2 weeks I've been so emotional and miserable that everyone would think I'd completely lost it.

A friend convinced me to start writing again so here I am. Day 2 of my bright and shiny journey has gone pretty well so far so hold me to it I guess.
Peace

Calculus

My senior year of high school I took AP calculus. I knew it would probably suck because what about AP calc sounds good? Not a damn thing, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. All my friends were in the class, I was pretty decent at math, and honestly how bad could it be right?

Well turns out it was fucking awful. I mean we had our ups and downs, calc and I, but overall calc fucked me big time. I mean I had some really great "ah-ha!" moments and I learned a lot but it just destroyed me.

I'm not exaggerating, calculus destroyed me. I had never done so poorly in a class before (I got my first D+ my senior year of high school!), it just broke me down mentally and I didn't know how to handle it. I cried because of calc. A lot. Yea, it seems ridiculous but I did. I cried all the time, why couldn't I do this shit? I had never had this kind of problem before, why can't I just handle this stupid math?

Half way through the year I decided that I should probably just drop the class for the last two terms. I didn't need calc and my gpa would definitely benefit from the change. My mom thought it was a great idea too, calc ruined everything so why not just get rid of it?

As the second half of the year started I could only wonder, why didn't I just fucking drop it?

I didn't drop calc. Why? Because of the challenge. I love a challenge and I wasn't going to let this stupid bullshit calculus win. If I quit calc wins. So yea I finished the year. I actually brought my D+ up to a B+ and basically told calculus to suck my dick.

When I was picking my classes for my first semester as a college freshman I was put into calculus. I placed in because I had taken and passed it in high school (even though I didn't pass the AP test).

After spending 3 month calculus free I entered my first college calc class. I mean how hard could it be. Sure it ruined my life the first time and I probably should have walked away then but I had learned my lessons. I knew most of this stuff now and it shouldn't be that hard the second time around. I mean it wouldn't be easy but how hard could it be right?

I sat through the first class and then we got a review packet for homework. As I sat down to look at it I realized I didn't have a fucking clue as to how to do it. At all.

I didn't remember anything.

It wasn't an easy decision but at that moment I knew that I was fucking done with calculus.

I was done letting calculus make me feel stupid.

I was done wasting my time on calculus when it didn't do shit for me.

And I was just done crying over something as silly as fucking calculus.

Ya know it was really hard for me to just give up on calc in high school, that would make me a quitter, I would lose if I gave up.

Now? Now it would just be stupid to put myself through that bullshit again. I had a break from calculus and now I could see how stupid it was in relation to my life.

Why the fuck should I take calculus when all it does is make me miserable?

All calculus ever did was break me down, sure we had some good times but overall it wasn't really benefitting me at all.

So I dropped it.

What a concept.

Once I get a bit of break, realize I don't need you, realize you won't do anything but annoy me?

I will drop you.

Just like calculus.

Suck my dick.

Is this even real life anymore?

And just like that everything's fine.

I can't believe the progress I've made in terms of liking myself and trusting other people and simply just letting go of stupid things.

Let's hope this lasts.

and one more time with the Grey's quotes

Dr. Alex Karev: Here's the thing - I like your rack.
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: God, what is wrong with you? Why do you have to be so - what is wrong with you?
Dr. Alex Karev: I like your rack and I'd want them around if I could have them, trust me I would, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if you got rid of them... because really, I'd want *you*.

Yup real life.

That time where I quote Grey's Anatomy

I have been meaning to write a post so many times over break but I never seem to be able to sit down and write it when all the thoughts are in my head. Naturally by the time I do have time to sit down and write everything has changed completely, my views and feelings on the subject have been completely turned upside down.

Insert Grey's quote here

>You didn't love her! You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love!<

yea that, anyways, back to me:

To be honest they're not even settled, I don't even know what I feel or what I should feel or who I should believe or what to do. Is it really better to know things? Even if it turns out to be different than what you wanted? How could that possibly be worse than flip-flopping between knowing and not knowing?

I always think I know how I should feel, how to protect myself, who I can trust but it always seems like something comes into question. I go through scenario after scenario in my head, and given what I know when I finally settle on the one that is most likely, something blows up in my face. Something I never saw something, something completely ridiculous.

In short as usual someone lied and someone screwed with me and I have no idea which side to believe.

How can I become a kinder, more trusting person when I always feel like I need to look out for the next friend who will destroy me? Why is there always someone making me feel that I shouldn't trust anyone?

Well I guess I'll just have to smile and pretend it doesn't bother me, after all nothing is different than it was 3 days ago or 3 weeks ago.

The funny thing is, what I really wanted to write about before (it feel like forever ago) is that no matter what has happened, I've come out of this with a better appreciation for myself. Something I always kind of lacked before. I know I'm a good person, I care about other people, I want everyone's lives to be better, and maybe I'm not pretty or nice but I'd be good to you, any of you, all of you. So if you want to fuck with me, that's fine but just know you'll never meet another person who has your back the way I would.

Oh yea and here's another Grey's Quote:

I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

So yup there it is, I'm gonna be alright but I fucking bet you, someone is going to miss me.

the fuck?

I don't know what's worse, the fact that someone is lying to me or the fact that I don't trust either of you so I have no idea who it is.

I'm so sick of bullshit. I'm so sick of people asking me about why I act a certain way or why I respond a certain way, listening to me explain why I do these things and giving specific examples and then them DOING the fucking things that are a problem in the first place.

Don't fucking ask me why I don't trust anybody and ask me how I'm ever going to be close to someone if I'm so closed off and then give me 96,000 reasons not to trust you and FUCK WITH MY FUCKING HEAD. STOP!

Don't ask me why I think people don't like or why I think people will like my friends better than they like me, make it seem like it's ridiculous for me to feel that way, and then talk to my friend more than you talk to me or tell her things you don't tell me.

Don't ask me to hang out, or say you really want to do something and then straight up bail and give me a handful of excuses. Things would be much easier if you'd just stop talking to me, and again don't fucking ask me why I don't trust people after this.

Don't find out things that irritate me and then do them specifically to irritate me. Most of the time I don't think it's funny. And definitely don't ask me what my problem is or tell me how angry I am after you've fucking annoyed the shit out of me.

And seriously people if you think I'm a miserable/crazy/angry/heartless bitch and don't want to be around me just tell me, or just leave me alone because I'm really so sick of finding out that people don't really care.

I probably shouldn't actually post this right now but I'm over it. Fuck it.

The Red Sox

Yup I'm gonna do it. There's no stopping me. Here we go.

The Sox season is over, and despite the fact that I didn't watch most of the games this month (it's probably better that way) I am still terribly sad that I will be without my team for the next 6 months.

As many know I am a HUGE Red Sox fan. You can find my loyalty resting in the form of a heart on my right ankle. I'm one of those fans, the one who loves the team so much that it become irrational. So here's my take on what transpired last night/this season.

There is no one player, or small group of players, that can be blamed for what happened to this team.

Basically they completely collapsed in a way in which I have never seen before. I mean I know there have been utterly heartbreaking moments but this was a month long, team-wide, epic failure. Since the beginning of September the team has just spiraled downward, it's ridiculous.

They were outscored 71-47 in the month, which isn't bad considering they went 7-20 for the month. The team scored runs when they were winning but failed pretty miserably in most cases.

Some people are blaming the starting pitching (which was pretty abysmal) or the bullpen (horrific), the injuries to starting players (literally painful), or the individual underachievers (coughCrawfordcough) but let's be honest if you look at this list just about everyone is on it (besides my boy Jacoby of course, who was top 3 on the team in just about every offensive category, suck it haters <3 and of course a few others). The team basically imploded at a time when Tampa Bay was exploding with enthusiasm and a will to win that the Sox clearly lost when the calendar changed from August to September.

What could possibly account for this? Fuck if I know.

What I do know is that, Carl Crawford's attempt to slide and catch the ball last night, Marco Scutaro being thrown out at the plate, Pap's blown save(or should I say multiple blown saves recently), Bard's piss-poor performance lately, Carl Crawford's underwhelming season, J.D. Drew being himself, the bullpen failing, and the rent-a-starters we've been using, are not what tanked this team. I've seen people point to all of these causes individually and while they're all upsetting no individual or individual event ended the season.

What ended the season was the fact that the team as a whole seemed to be as devoted to losing as the Rays were to winning.

Well I guess I'll just have to sink into a deep depression until April.

What I really think

So I got a lot of positive feedback on the article I wrote for the Senior Column of The Provoc (check it out here) but we all know that there's no way I can truly give the advice I'd like to and have it be appropriate to print in the Assumption newspaper. So here we go, here's what I wish I had really said in the Senior Column.

Coming to college can be rough. Even if you've been waiting your entire life to get out of whatever really shitty town you came from. Luckily for you, you've come to a wonderful place like Assumption where we promote unity and kindness. Not. Welcome to the extended high school that is Assumption College. For the most part people are just a full of drama and clique-y as they were in their nice private high schools. However, you might be able to make it out of here alive if you listen to a genius like me.

-Make sure you look out the window before you leave for class and check the weather, like 6 times. No one wants to be that idiot walking through a monsoon without an umbrella or a jacket. And you definitely don't want to sit in class looking like a drowned rat (and yes you do look like a drowned rat).

-Watch out for the always delicious TayTay Dining Hall, ya never know what they have to offer. Just kidding, yes you do, it's called the shits.

-Don't be a hermit and hide in your room. No one is going to come find you and beg to be your friend. Make an effort. No one cares if you're lonely so get out and get involved.

-Don't be a douche bag. Accept the people around you. Chances are they're not that bad and you might be able to make friends. Trust me, the cool kids don't give a shit about you.

-Know where you are. Don't get fucked up in someone's apartment, lock yourself in the bathroom, and pass the fuck out. Seriously there's no way to unlock the bathroom doors in the Village from the outside, so be careful.

-If your roommate's being an asshole, tell them. Chances are they don't even realize it.

-Don't start trouble. You just look like a moron and no one's going to trust the idiot who's always causing drama.

-Don't fuck with me, or the other seniors. We really will scream at you (somewhere out there some dumb bitches learned this from experience, and they were lucky).

-Some of the speakers and programs and stuff are actually pretty cool, especially if they have cookies, pizza, or wings. Oh and the comedians might actually be funny sometimes, especially if they're incredibly offensive.

-Party and have a good time and all that shit but don't be too crazy. If you fail out you're screwed

-Don't be "that" kid. Seriously, I've been that kid and it sucks. Who wants to wake up in the morning and find out they puked in the sink? Or that they hit someone in the face? Sometimes these things are funny, but most of the time you look like a dumbass and everyones going to make fun of you.

And here are a few extras that couldn't make it into the Provoc article:

-When it comes to tequila, just say no.

-UV Blue will never love you back.

- Shots are your friend.

Take care kids!