Calculus

My senior year of high school I took AP calculus. I knew it would probably suck because what about AP calc sounds good? Not a damn thing, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. All my friends were in the class, I was pretty decent at math, and honestly how bad could it be right?

Well turns out it was fucking awful. I mean we had our ups and downs, calc and I, but overall calc fucked me big time. I mean I had some really great "ah-ha!" moments and I learned a lot but it just destroyed me.

I'm not exaggerating, calculus destroyed me. I had never done so poorly in a class before (I got my first D+ my senior year of high school!), it just broke me down mentally and I didn't know how to handle it. I cried because of calc. A lot. Yea, it seems ridiculous but I did. I cried all the time, why couldn't I do this shit? I had never had this kind of problem before, why can't I just handle this stupid math?

Half way through the year I decided that I should probably just drop the class for the last two terms. I didn't need calc and my gpa would definitely benefit from the change. My mom thought it was a great idea too, calc ruined everything so why not just get rid of it?

As the second half of the year started I could only wonder, why didn't I just fucking drop it?

I didn't drop calc. Why? Because of the challenge. I love a challenge and I wasn't going to let this stupid bullshit calculus win. If I quit calc wins. So yea I finished the year. I actually brought my D+ up to a B+ and basically told calculus to suck my dick.

When I was picking my classes for my first semester as a college freshman I was put into calculus. I placed in because I had taken and passed it in high school (even though I didn't pass the AP test).

After spending 3 month calculus free I entered my first college calc class. I mean how hard could it be. Sure it ruined my life the first time and I probably should have walked away then but I had learned my lessons. I knew most of this stuff now and it shouldn't be that hard the second time around. I mean it wouldn't be easy but how hard could it be right?

I sat through the first class and then we got a review packet for homework. As I sat down to look at it I realized I didn't have a fucking clue as to how to do it. At all.

I didn't remember anything.

It wasn't an easy decision but at that moment I knew that I was fucking done with calculus.

I was done letting calculus make me feel stupid.

I was done wasting my time on calculus when it didn't do shit for me.

And I was just done crying over something as silly as fucking calculus.

Ya know it was really hard for me to just give up on calc in high school, that would make me a quitter, I would lose if I gave up.

Now? Now it would just be stupid to put myself through that bullshit again. I had a break from calculus and now I could see how stupid it was in relation to my life.

Why the fuck should I take calculus when all it does is make me miserable?

All calculus ever did was break me down, sure we had some good times but overall it wasn't really benefitting me at all.

So I dropped it.

What a concept.

Once I get a bit of break, realize I don't need you, realize you won't do anything but annoy me?

I will drop you.

Just like calculus.

Suck my dick.

Is this even real life anymore?

And just like that everything's fine.

I can't believe the progress I've made in terms of liking myself and trusting other people and simply just letting go of stupid things.

Let's hope this lasts.

and one more time with the Grey's quotes

Dr. Alex Karev: Here's the thing - I like your rack.
Dr. Isobel "Izzie" Stevens: God, what is wrong with you? Why do you have to be so - what is wrong with you?
Dr. Alex Karev: I like your rack and I'd want them around if I could have them, trust me I would, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if you got rid of them... because really, I'd want *you*.

Yup real life.

That time where I quote Grey's Anatomy

I have been meaning to write a post so many times over break but I never seem to be able to sit down and write it when all the thoughts are in my head. Naturally by the time I do have time to sit down and write everything has changed completely, my views and feelings on the subject have been completely turned upside down.

Insert Grey's quote here

>You didn't love her! You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love!<

yea that, anyways, back to me:

To be honest they're not even settled, I don't even know what I feel or what I should feel or who I should believe or what to do. Is it really better to know things? Even if it turns out to be different than what you wanted? How could that possibly be worse than flip-flopping between knowing and not knowing?

I always think I know how I should feel, how to protect myself, who I can trust but it always seems like something comes into question. I go through scenario after scenario in my head, and given what I know when I finally settle on the one that is most likely, something blows up in my face. Something I never saw something, something completely ridiculous.

In short as usual someone lied and someone screwed with me and I have no idea which side to believe.

How can I become a kinder, more trusting person when I always feel like I need to look out for the next friend who will destroy me? Why is there always someone making me feel that I shouldn't trust anyone?

Well I guess I'll just have to smile and pretend it doesn't bother me, after all nothing is different than it was 3 days ago or 3 weeks ago.

The funny thing is, what I really wanted to write about before (it feel like forever ago) is that no matter what has happened, I've come out of this with a better appreciation for myself. Something I always kind of lacked before. I know I'm a good person, I care about other people, I want everyone's lives to be better, and maybe I'm not pretty or nice but I'd be good to you, any of you, all of you. So if you want to fuck with me, that's fine but just know you'll never meet another person who has your back the way I would.

Oh yea and here's another Grey's Quote:

I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.

So yup there it is, I'm gonna be alright but I fucking bet you, someone is going to miss me.